Saturday, July 03, 2021

I don't even know if I will ever fix the links on the page which means maybe no one will get to read this, but I thought it's finally time to note things down somewhere, especially the interactions with God, things He put in my life and so on.

Looking back at all these past posts of my youth (indeed), 12 years later, I realized I've never been fully well. Knowing God has put much joy in my life but the recent events has made me see that perhaps I have never fully gotten out of that dark pit I needed to fall into to accept God in my life and I'm learning to have patience with God on why I'm still half in half out.

I needed that fall no doubt, at the same time, I get so overwhelmed by the pain and fear of falling a little more in at times and I always ask God for mercy to bring me fully out of it.

Reading at how I could really put out all my raw emotions on this platform so openly made me tear, it was much needed the journaling and till date I could see how I am still dealing with similar issues, that only God can help you resolve in His perfect time.

What really really pushed me up to di this, is how I saw god was still reaching out and I wanted to try to record things He's tring to say, for once, I've always just stored in in my own inetrnal memory and only when times are good, these conversations are clear and loud and hen things turn for teh bad, a little more often then I can handle nwadays, I find myself wanting to give up.

Damage. "Even if every best-case scenario played out with the people who hurt me suddenly being utterly repentant and owning every bit of all they’d done, that wouldn’t undo what happened. That wouldn’t erase the damage. That wouldn’t take away the memories. That wouldn’t instantly heal me or make any of this feel right."

I told God, I don't liek teh damage. I hurts, I feel sorry for myself, I think I am impaired and I feel I should be empathised and understood and life should be kinder.

Growing up during my teens enguklfed in depression was never easy, teh recurring episodes are the worst, especially after gorwng up, it seems to only affect your worth more. These seem emotions as a Christian, but it is impt to recognize these emotions and reflect on why you feel so, you might not get to terms with it now, but that doesn't hange the fact that God is good all the time and is also here with you. So the problem really is me, myself.

So, i need to focus on why God allowed the damage in my life. And many things unraveled, the fact that I'm half in half out, reminding me of the homework "patience". i wanna heal fully, I want to be fully functional, I don't want to keep thinking I'm worth lesser because I earn so much lesser.

Judging your work and employers at your second day of work shouldn't be how things are. I askGod why He puts me at these places, but I seem to lose steam a little to fast to focus on that when work gets busy. I thought lesser pay meant less demanding....so I'm sad that i'm not coping, it was a hell of two days, cause i don like what I'm getting into. But I started with a long term in mind. I'm afraid if I quit, I will fall deeper in.

Dear Lord, what is it? Can you tell me please? I feel liek I am trying very hard to hold on to this tightrope of life. I stopped wanting to talk about these unpleasant feelings with my spiritual buddies for fear that i will continue to wallow in grumble. Something's wrong, I'm not getting something, soemwhere. I yearn to be with you...technically.

Is it wrong to crave recognition?

9:33 PM