Thursday, January 22, 2009
Hello...
this is like the first ever post since may 08. I've been too lazy to come in here to update, and since the blog's kind of dead, I decided that I should just trash my feelings out here. I've been feeling real down recently, never expected myself to be in such a state, those who knows me, they would definitely have seen the difference in me, I've lost almost all the laughter I had. In the past, when I start to laugh ridiculously at lame stuff, I could continue for ever, but now it never lasts. Time flies and its now the very very crucial year that everyone says, being sec 4, having the o levels so early that it's real scary and panicky. My blogshop has taken too much of my time and I'm already in partial hiatus for it...Worse to worse, I actually have the "xin hua nu fang" feeling which is like so disturbing, nvr expected the feeling to be so so strong, although the longest one was one year, but this is like so unexpected, I was expecting myself to clear up the feelings, but messed it up in the end, I knew there was no outcome, but couldn't end it the way I want it to, I keep telling myself that there's no time for you to think of such things, but I just can't stop myself to. I just feel that my taste is real unique, but I'm still quite proud of it!
Well, I keep missing my dad so so much that I don't know why. Its been more than a year and the second chinese new year without him, I feel totally depressed about it. I break down super easily during teh time of the month, I keep asking why, why did this have to happen on me, but have yet to get an answer, I understand that everyone has to leave the world in the end but why at this point of time for me, is it better this way or am I just a little less fortunate. I kind of feel that, perhaps when I find a reason for it, or someone to blame this for, I would be able to get the burden off. My studies are bad now and I feel it's because of the hole there in the heart as well as the emptiness in the house, I always shout for him to come back in tears, but I know it's never going to happen. I thought I was fine, since I'm been well known for being a cheerful and happy-go-lucky girl...but I guess I lost it totally....now even down with migraine, my mum keeps saying its because of the bad living habits that I have that caused it, but what can I do, supress myself and feel like dying? The scary thing is, I do feel like dying, many times, for the same reason: I'm tired, too tired to continue, my mum has no choice but to change, and I don't like it, it was all dad's 'responsibility' previously, but now it became hers, there's such a huge diff between. Although my mum ia still able to support me with no financial problems, but I still stringly feel that there's something missing. I know I can't ask for too much, but I really yearn for something. Perhaps this is why I yearn for someone for me to rely on so badly. I know I have friends who will be at my side, but its just different, I can't describe, that the way other one makes you feel much better from all the initiative, so different from teh ones friends give you. I know its hard and I'll have to let nature take it's course, but I've been waiting, many say that it;s too early, but I definitely don like that 'xin suan' feeling there hanging for decades...I'm sorry if I hurt anyone. i don't really dare to tell my friends the depression I'm feeling, I've been trying to run away and always get causght back in it my self, facing teh whole reality of it. I'd scare and worry my friends too much if I were to tell. It'll just not be me anymore to them. I hate the feeling of knowing taht your friend changed. If I tell an acquantice about it, it'll be too making use of that kind soul and I'll feel real guity. All in all, I feel sorry for all taht I've done to traumatise people. I have the bad habit of doing so. I'm sorry. And being in a girls' school can lead to serious problems too, I feel....regrets and no regrets, I hope for the later, but not really going to happen so true....all that I can say, is I miss you, I love you, you'll forever be in my heart and I know that I'm still the most loved one and 'zui xin fu de'!
Tears are forming so rapidly, I don't know why, but perhaps oike many had told me, it's just part and parcel of growing up in one's life, but why muct it be so miserable, I;ve never gotten an answer, what I have to say is, if I die unoticingly one day, don't be shocked by it as it may very well be destined to be....
7:48 PM
