Saturday, July 03, 2021
I don't even know if I will ever fix the links on the page which means maybe no one will get to read this, but I thought it's finally time to note things down somewhere, especially the interactions with God, things He put in my life and so on.
Looking back at all these past posts of my youth (indeed), 12 years later, I realized I've never been fully well. Knowing God has put much joy in my life but the recent events has made me see that perhaps I have never fully gotten out of that dark pit I needed to fall into to accept God in my life and I'm learning to have patience with God on why I'm still half in half out.
I needed that fall no doubt, at the same time, I get so overwhelmed by the pain and fear of falling a little more in at times and I always ask God for mercy to bring me fully out of it.
Reading at how I could really put out all my raw emotions on this platform so openly made me tear, it was much needed the journaling and till date I could see how I am still dealing with similar issues, that only God can help you resolve in His perfect time.
What really really pushed me up to di this, is how I saw god was still reaching out and I wanted to try to record things He's tring to say, for once, I've always just stored in in my own inetrnal memory and only when times are good, these conversations are clear and loud and hen things turn for teh bad, a little more often then I can handle nwadays, I find myself wanting to give up.
Damage. "Even if every best-case scenario
played out with the people who hurt me suddenly being utterly repentant and
owning every bit of all they’d done, that wouldn’t undo what happened. That
wouldn’t erase the damage. That wouldn’t take away the memories. That wouldn’t
instantly heal me or make any of this feel right."
I told God, I don't liek teh damage. I hurts, I feel sorry for myself, I think I am impaired and I feel I should be empathised and understood and life should be kinder.
Growing up during my teens enguklfed in depression was never easy, teh recurring episodes are the worst, especially after gorwng up, it seems to only affect your worth more. These seem emotions as a Christian, but it is impt to recognize these emotions and reflect on why you feel so, you might not get to terms with it now, but that doesn't hange the fact that God is good all the time and is also here with you. So the problem really is me, myself.
So, i need to focus on why God allowed the damage in my life. And many things unraveled, the fact that I'm half in half out, reminding me of the homework "patience". i wanna heal fully, I want to be fully functional, I don't want to keep thinking I'm worth lesser because I earn so much lesser.
Judging your work and employers at your second day of work shouldn't be how things are. I askGod why He puts me at these places, but I seem to lose steam a little to fast to focus on that when work gets busy. I thought lesser pay meant less demanding....so I'm sad that i'm not coping, it was a hell of two days, cause i don like what I'm getting into. But I started with a long term in mind. I'm afraid if I quit, I will fall deeper in.
Dear Lord, what is it? Can you tell me please? I feel liek I am trying very hard to hold on to this tightrope of life. I stopped wanting to talk about these unpleasant feelings with my spiritual buddies for fear that i will continue to wallow in grumble. Something's wrong, I'm not getting something, soemwhere. I yearn to be with you...technically.
Is it wrong to crave recognition?
9:33 PM
Friday, January 23, 2009
oh my...I met jie jie today, she has a new hairstyle....I'm feeling down again, cause they are like going out again tomorrow and I want to go, I know my mum would always let me go, but she sounds reluctant, and keeps telling me to tidy up my room when I don;t feel the need to a and of course I don't feel like doing so! Ahhhh, then I treat her like a little harsh, I don't know lah, I feel that she's like putting pressure on me, like you have yet to finish up your home work and all...its so minor yet I feel so much pressure, I'm like planning not to go now...and don;t know since when I got addicted on spending money. They are going kbox tomorrow and I';d love to go, but I think I'm not going after all, I know she loves me, but I feel so sad still...the tears alwasy feeling up and I'll start watching my drama...ah I don't know what to do I seriously don't...I like shouldn't be feeling so down anymore, but there's this thing that tells me perhaps I'm too tired...but I have another sound in me that says, that's just an excuse... I feel sorry for myself...I feel a little better now that my thoughts are out.
9:41 PM
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Hello...
this is like the first ever post since may 08. I've been too lazy to come in here to update, and since the blog's kind of dead, I decided that I should just trash my feelings out here. I've been feeling real down recently, never expected myself to be in such a state, those who knows me, they would definitely have seen the difference in me, I've lost almost all the laughter I had. In the past, when I start to laugh ridiculously at lame stuff, I could continue for ever, but now it never lasts. Time flies and its now the very very crucial year that everyone says, being sec 4, having the o levels so early that it's real scary and panicky. My blogshop has taken too much of my time and I'm already in partial hiatus for it...Worse to worse, I actually have the "xin hua nu fang" feeling which is like so disturbing, nvr expected the feeling to be so so strong, although the longest one was one year, but this is like so unexpected, I was expecting myself to clear up the feelings, but messed it up in the end, I knew there was no outcome, but couldn't end it the way I want it to, I keep telling myself that there's no time for you to think of such things, but I just can't stop myself to. I just feel that my taste is real unique, but I'm still quite proud of it!
Well, I keep missing my dad so so much that I don't know why. Its been more than a year and the second chinese new year without him, I feel totally depressed about it. I break down super easily during teh time of the month, I keep asking why, why did this have to happen on me, but have yet to get an answer, I understand that everyone has to leave the world in the end but why at this point of time for me, is it better this way or am I just a little less fortunate. I kind of feel that, perhaps when I find a reason for it, or someone to blame this for, I would be able to get the burden off. My studies are bad now and I feel it's because of the hole there in the heart as well as the emptiness in the house, I always shout for him to come back in tears, but I know it's never going to happen. I thought I was fine, since I'm been well known for being a cheerful and happy-go-lucky girl...but I guess I lost it totally....now even down with migraine, my mum keeps saying its because of the bad living habits that I have that caused it, but what can I do, supress myself and feel like dying? The scary thing is, I do feel like dying, many times, for the same reason: I'm tired, too tired to continue, my mum has no choice but to change, and I don't like it, it was all dad's 'responsibility' previously, but now it became hers, there's such a huge diff between. Although my mum ia still able to support me with no financial problems, but I still stringly feel that there's something missing. I know I can't ask for too much, but I really yearn for something. Perhaps this is why I yearn for someone for me to rely on so badly. I know I have friends who will be at my side, but its just different, I can't describe, that the way other one makes you feel much better from all the initiative, so different from teh ones friends give you. I know its hard and I'll have to let nature take it's course, but I've been waiting, many say that it;s too early, but I definitely don like that 'xin suan' feeling there hanging for decades...I'm sorry if I hurt anyone. i don't really dare to tell my friends the depression I'm feeling, I've been trying to run away and always get causght back in it my self, facing teh whole reality of it. I'd scare and worry my friends too much if I were to tell. It'll just not be me anymore to them. I hate the feeling of knowing taht your friend changed. If I tell an acquantice about it, it'll be too making use of that kind soul and I'll feel real guity. All in all, I feel sorry for all taht I've done to traumatise people. I have the bad habit of doing so. I'm sorry. And being in a girls' school can lead to serious problems too, I feel....regrets and no regrets, I hope for the later, but not really going to happen so true....all that I can say, is I miss you, I love you, you'll forever be in my heart and I know that I'm still the most loved one and 'zui xin fu de'!
Tears are forming so rapidly, I don't know why, but perhaps oike many had told me, it's just part and parcel of growing up in one's life, but why muct it be so miserable, I;ve never gotten an answer, what I have to say is, if I die unoticingly one day, don't be shocked by it as it may very well be destined to be....
7:48 PM
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Hey all, I've finally opened my blogshop...it's currently selling second-hand items but we may consider bringing in preorders if the response's good. Here's the url: www.exchangeformoney.blogspot.com...please go take a look and support!!!
9:06 PM
Friday, May 23, 2008
OOPS!!! I know its dead here, but I gonna try making it live again!!! Well, recently my friend just started a blogshop - www.iseriouslyneedmoney.blogspot.com, yea, go check it out and honestly speaking, I interested in opening one too!!! Wahahah. As you see, I've got a pretty load of stuff to sell...mostly brand new I guess, so the best way to get rid of them is to exchange them for money!!!! *KA CHING*
Well, what I was planning was to sell some of the soft toys....perhaps some little accessories....necklaces...well they're quite limited and I kind of have no idea how to take nice pics of them....I do hope someone could give me some suggestions!!! haha, see you soon....
12:13 AM
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Feeling kind of restless though.... well, its the holidays and I just finished watching a drama series and its 6:27 am currently, I didn't wake up that early but just spent the whole night watching the show....haha. By the way, if anyone is interested in watching drama series but feel kind of lazy and helpless finding what you wanna see on net, you can actually buy them at quite an affordable price actually at Bluemax, its a shop like Poh Kim or TS if anyone of you know... the only difference is that their price is the lowest among the three. You'll be able to get Summer X Summer DVD at only $20, quite a good price actually for something popular still...but of course the quality isn't that good though but its still worth it...^__^! OR perhaps you can either loan from me or buy from me? Second hand...? Haha....just kidding, normally by the time I'm watching a show or finally decided to buy the show, the world had long moved on...sadness, but thats also a way or saving money and cost too....I guess. There are quite a few taiwanese dramas "偶像剧" you would also call that are really worth watching if you love the way the story moves around the main actors and actresses, producing lovely romance, quite typical but still irrestitable for me I would say....you would love it if you love romance...haha
So heres the list:
Summer X Summer (Re Qing Zhong Xia)Starring: Zheng Yuan Chang, Wu Xiong, Yuan Jin Tian, Xiao Gui
It started with a Kiss (Er Zuo Ju Zhi Wen)Starring: Zheng Yuan Chang, Lin Yi Chen
The Rose (Qiang Wei Zhi Lian)Starring: Zheng Yuan Chang, Ella, Hebe, Selina
Magicians of Love (Ai Qing Mo Fa Shi)Starring: Ming Dao, Qiao Qiao from sweety, Wang Shao Wei
Legend of the Star Apple (Xing Ping Guo Le Yuan)Starring: Ming Dao, Xiao Xiao Yu
Wang Zi Bian Qing WaStarring: Ming Dao, Qiao En, Wang Shao Wei, Xiao Qiao
Devil Beside You (Er Mo Zai Shen Bian aka Wo de Tao Qi Wang Zi) Starring: He Jun Xiang, Yang Chen Lin
Love Contract (Ai Qing He Yue)Starring: He Jun Xiang, Lin Yi Chen
Sonria Pasta (Wei Xiao Pasta)Starring: Zhang Dong Liang, Wang Xin Ling
That should be it for now...it shall be updated some other time....bab bayes!!!
SMILE BIIIIG!!!!!!!
^___________________________________________________________________________________^
6:19 AM
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Wow! Finally, I'm posting my 25th post....woosh! Its been along long time since I've posted, well, I've been kind of lazy....but I decided to do tis just because I feel like slacking and is feeling helpless about it.....really want to work but doesn't feel like it at all! Getting more and more worried day by day but the body doesn't move.....die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die di eid die die die die die die die die die die die die die die dead!!!!!! Oh, time for show!!!! WAHAHAHAH!!!!! Babbayiiee.....^__^
9:28 PM
